Craptacular Christmas!! How Crap Are You?

Inspired by a mix of festive cheer (i.e. booze and fairylights), a discussion underway at Kellycat's and Ira Hirsh's 'Most God Awful Christmas Displays Ever' (well worth a peek), I am on a mission to research what side of craptastic the average householder lies on when it comes to showing festive cheer.

Armed with my science O levels/A levels and a few science degrees, I want to make this as statistically and scientifically relevant as possible and produce stand-alone, quantitative scientific data.

So here's a Cosmo-style quiz.

1. Is your tree:

What tree? (-5 points)

Real and showing that 'non-drop' is one of the biggest marketing lies in the universe (3 points)

Fake - though it looks real (-2 points)

Fake with 'added fake features' such as silver, snow, in-built cones, in-built lights (1 point plus 1 point per fake feature)

2. What do you have on your Christmas tree?

I already told you, I don't have a tree [- what sort of idiot writes these quizzes?] (-1 point)

A set of white lights and ornaments in two different colours (0 points)

Multicoloured flashing lights and/or a huge variety of clashing and garish ornaments (3 points)

So many lights you can't actually see the tree and our neighbours' lights dim when we plug them in (6 points)

3. Do you have a nativity scene in your garden?

No, of course not - only poor people with no taste do tacky things like that (-10 points, -50 points if you *really* think that)

Yes - just a small tasteful wooden depiction of the three wise men visiting the manger (1 point)

Yes - a huge inflatable set which has our shed as a centrepiece. You can just about make out the magi brandishing their gifts alongside a snow-covered Batman, the Wombles, five smurfs, Pluto, Donald Duck, Barbie and Shrek (5 points)

Yes - as above - plus we have a real donkey to add an air of authenticity (100 points)

Yes - as above - plus we 'borrowed' a camel from our local zoo. It was a bugger to get home and we'll return it as soon as Christmas is over (1,000 points)


4. Do you have any inflatable ornaments inside or outside your house?

No, I'm offended you even asked me that (0 points)

Yes, of traditional festive characters: Santa, reindeer, snowmen (1 point each)

Yes, of traditional festive characters: Santa Shrek; Spongebob Santapants; Nutcracker Barbie; Mickey Mouse with a santa hat on (10 points each)

5. Do you have any Christmas decorations that are mechanical and/or musical?

What? You think I'd hand over hard-earned cash for that sort of tat? (0 points)

Only a set of twelve mechanical mice that play 'Jingle Bells' (you know who you are) (3 points)

Yes though someone gave it to me and I only dig it up for when they visit (-2 points)

Yes, of course. Christmas wouldn't be Christmas without a plastic George Bush in a santa hat singing 'Happy Xmas (I Wish the War Was Over)' / a dancing Jesus singing 'I Saw Mommy Kissing Santa Claus' / a set of reindeer dancing to 'Stop The Cavalry' (10 points each)

6. Do you expect to sing along to any Cliff Richard songs over the festive period?

No, don't be silly (0 points)

Yes, I've spent the last six weeks learning all the words and harmonies in Millennium Prayer (1,000 points)

7. Do you have a Christmas sign outside your house?

No, why would I need a sign? (0 points)

Yes, it says: 'Santa stop here please' (6 points)

Yes, it says: 'To Santa and all carol singers: please piss off' (-50 points)

Cosmo-style: 'How did you score'?

-100 to -1 points. You're a cat owner and as far as you are concerned there aren't such things as cat-proof decorations**

0 -5 points. What can we say? You're either a Habitat (*Crate & Barrel) loyalty card holder or Ebenezer Scrooge. Get into the 'real' spirit of Christmas by popping down to Woolworths / Wal Mart and spend at least £300/$500 on glittery things that make your stomach sick / whole being shudder / eyes bleed and your neighbours hate you.

6- 10 points. Not a bad attempt. Try to think how to expand what you have to outside your house. And don't be scared of being adventurous with electrical accessories and /or large inflatables (*now* this is starting to sound like a real Cosmo quiz - ed)

11-2,000 points. Congratulations! When it comes to eye- and pocket-bleeding ornaments, you know no limits. You should be working as a window dressing consultant for Selfridges / Saks so you can teach the true meaning of Christmas crap to those souless people who think they have taste just because they have money and a wariness of bright sparkly things. And remember to buy everyone you know an inflatable six-foot Santa Shrek for their garden, they'll love you for it. Honest.


* Am guessing this as a stateside equivalent of Habitat. Sort of place that sells clean white decorations for the home etc

** This special addition for GSE and Frangelita